A Masterful Performance by Wacky Phoenix

We just viewed The Master. And we were blown away by 2 things – how truly terrible the film was, and but how incredible the performances of Phillips Seymour Hoffman and Joaquin Phoenix were. After winning actor wards at the Venice film festival, critics are already crying Oscar! But before any golden statues are handed out, we one small question…while it’s beyond a doubt Philip totally transformed himself for the sinister Scientologist-inspired role, did Joaquin? Or is playing a wacked out crazy drunkard simply anything more than a day in the life of the former greatness that was Joaquin Phoenix. Will he rise like a Phoenix from the ‘I’m Still Here’ ashes this awards season? Or is he merely playing himself?

ALSO – Joaquin – what’s up with your eye and your back???

Keep Ryan under Lochte and Key!

Mr Ryan Lochte , we understand that it takes a certain, ahem ‘mindset’ to be able to swim monotonous laps for years on end and push tires and what not, and the studies of the long term effects of chlorine on the brain have clearly not been looked into properly, but please make like your name and Lochte your self up inside your training facilities. Quit whoring yourself, your abs and your medals down every red carpet you can find. Like a red flag to a bull, so is a red carpet to make you come running. So stop, try a new thing called ‘thinking’ – you do not come over well, and you’re not doing yourself any favors with this excessive schedule of public appearances. So do what you do best, and get thee to the pool, before America gives you to China!

photo via celebrity-gossip

Giuliana Phone Home!(to Mama Depandi for pasta)

SOUND THE ALARM!! Call Steven Spielberg! The E! Channel stole ET FROM Universal Studios to co-host the Emmys red carpet show with Ryan Seacrest! We realize they are all part of the NBC/Universal family wouldn’t ET have at least been more appropriate for the Oscars on ET, not E!. Oh, wait, sorry, what was that? That WASN’T ET you say, that was Giuliana Rancic? Gosh sincerest apologies Mr Spielberg, false alarm, continue as you were. In the meantime, dear Giuliana – we realize jumping on every press opportunity that comes your way and squeezing every last media whoring morsel out your new child (who cares anyway) doesn’t leave much time for food, but we’re increasingly worried about you. You should take a leaf out of Lady Gaga’s book and eat your parent’s Italian food. Or is this actually a sly plot to come out as an anorexic next year for another press tour/reality show once the furor over the baby has died down? We wouldn’t put it past you Rancids

photo via atrl

Taking Liberties!

Rumor has it the marriage of Kristen Stewart’s ex paramour, Rupert Sanders, has been on the rocks for quite sometime, and his now estranged wife Liberty Ross was already taking quite a few liberties herself when it came to monogamy. Sources say she was seeing English artist Anthony James on and off for over a year before her husband’s’ indiscretion. It has also been speculated that she herself was the one who tipped off the paparazzi in an attempt to gain back her former fame. Who is less than snowy white now Ms Ross?

photo via okmagazine

Linz & lots of Dick

Is it just us or does Lindsay Lohan more closely resemble screen siren Elizabeth Taylor in her older years than when they were the same age? How is this girl only in her mid twenties – she looks fifty! Complete with wraspy voice, a puffed up pout and goodness knows what else she’s done to herself! She could have been Emma Stone, but instead she chose to get stoned. Kiddies if ever there was a “don’t do drugs” poster child, this is it!

photos via the frisky / the metapicture

Daddy I want a Golden Statue NOW!

Dear Anne Hathaway, your Oscar strategy is as obvious as your acting. We know you feel you were robbed of an Oscar for ‘Rachel Getting Married.’ And we know you felt you should have been nominated for ‘Love and other Drugs’ (you did after all take your clothes off, which usually works for Kate Winslet). And we completely know you tried incredibly hard as an Oscar host, and blame James Franco’s morose, seemingly stoned delivery for yet another epic Academy failure. But it’s clear you think the Academy voters will easily fall for your Les Mis Oscar strategy for playing Fantine (which, from the trailer, looks like you’ve bastardized one of musicals’ greatest characters, turning her from a soft, sympathetic, tragic heroine, into a facially contorting, pushing drama for drama’s sake, down and out) just because you had your hair cut off (you could have done a wig, but you figured that isn’t as dramatic a story to tell the press,) and you dramatically starved for the role (because that’s an Oscar worthy big deal too that only the truly committed great actors do). Right? The sad thing is it’ll probably work at least to get you a nom. Amanda Seyfried and Samantha Barks look pitch perfect, but dear Annie, you took the whole ‘Les Miserables’ thing too much to heart because your performance and hair look miserable indeed! We wish Tom Hooper had cast Emmy Rossum instead.

Oh and p.s. Olivia Wilde would have been a better Catwoman.

photo via altfg

Policing Fashion Police

According to Kelly, it’s a fashion faux pas to be too matchy matchy… but apparently that doesn’t apply to matching your hideous hair to your dress!

Attention E! Network. We LOVE Fashion Police. We LIVE for Joan Rivers  – she is hilarious and getting her was a major coup. And we love George Kotsipoulos because he seems like a genuine guy, who knows what he’s talking about when it comes to fashion, is cute and has a great laugh. But we do not understand the casting of Giuliana “dresses like a cheesy teenager at the age of 40” Rancic or Kelly “no style, horrendous hair, arrogant attitude” Osbourne. Let us address Giuliana, or “G” as she is affectionately known first. Great anchor, nice girl, great voice has become a massive fame whore but has ZERO style and terrible taste. Even the grand purveyer of tacky herself, Kimora Lee Simmons, was a better choice. And then there is Wednesday Adams, whoops sorry, Kelly Osbourne, whose style is as hideous as her hair color and tattoos. PLUS Ms Osbourne – you used to be cool, funny and edgy, now you come off as pretentious, arrogant, up yourself and quite frankly sanctimonious for no good reason. You are the weakest link, goodbye. Don’t worry though we hear the teletubbies are casting!

photos via justjared / thecelebritygossiper

What do you think of Hugh Jackman’s beard?

Dear Hugh Jackman, we are of the opinion that you need a new beard. Your current beard just doesn’t do justice to your handsome face. It doesn’t suit you. It isn’t convincing. It doesn’t make anyone think you are more manly…You can have a better beard Hugh. One more like Matthew Mcconaugay’s– oh sorry, excuse the spelling – we meant Mcconaughey. You looked much more happy when you starring in ‘The Boy from Oz’ on broadway, being fabulous, flamboyant, and more feminine, without your beard.

photo via joblo